Self-catering holiday jokes

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A wet Stag weekend in Chester - self-catering accommodation for Hen and Stag weekends

A group of guys out in Chester City centre on a stag night. It's pouring with rain dampening their spirits somewhat so they rush into the nearest pub. The only other drinker in the pub is a ravishing young girl with long blonde hair.
After a few jokes and smutty suggestions between them, and bolstered by the beer, the guys turn their attention to the girl.

The girl looks at them levelly, a slight smile on her pretty face and proposes, "If each of you will give me a pound, I will show you my legs."

The guys all thinking their luck was looking up, dig deep in their pockets and gather the pounds which they hand over to the girl. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to display her long slender legs to the knee.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me £5, I will show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out their wallets and hand over the fiver. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies. The men cheer and the excitement rises but it's not quite enough for a stag night.

Grinning away, the men, getting a bit hot and excited (even in Chester), have all taken off their jackets.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me £10, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

The guys look at each other, and all a little worse for wear are soon handing over the cash and looking eagerly at the girl in anticipation.

The girl smiles her slow smile then turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

The moral of the story is, pay for your entertainment in advance if you have a Stag weekend in Chester or you may have a Stag night to remember and laugh about for years. Accommodation in Chester

Self-catering villa with swimming pool - cottages with swimming pools

I made the mistake of asking my husband his opinion while shopping for swimsuits for my villa with swimming pool holiday. It had been a few years and a good stone or two since I had
even considered buying a swimming costume, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'

I took my boyfriend on holiday instead.

Blonde from Essex in the Yorkshire Dales

A young man from Bristol was driving on holiday to his rented cottage in the Yorkshire Dales with his blonde girlfriend from Essex. He aked her to stick her head out the window and see if the indicators were working.

She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

Home alone

The parents of two 16 and 17 year-old boys went on a self-catering weekend in Devon with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home with all the usual instructions about eating proper food and keeping safe.

That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 17 year-old boy had just passed his driving test but was a little apprehensive about driving alone.

When they got back to the car at the end of the evening, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car - someone must have bumped into the car and driven off without saying anything. Frantically they phoned their friends to find a garage able to fix their dad's car that Saturday.

Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car fixed and back in pristine condition, they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.

Their parents returned on Sunday evening but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge, "There has been a miracle! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!"

Cotswolds Joke - see cottages in the Cotswolds

A family from the States touring the Cotswolds were amazed at the large number of towns that contain the word Chipping, such as Chipping Campden, Chipping Norton and Loose Chippings which seemed to be a village that went on for miles.

Holidays in Yorkshire

A man on holiday in the Yorkshire Dales walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asks

"No." is the curt response

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

Strange arrangements in the Lake District

Shortly after arriving at her holiday cottage in the Lake District, a woman was leaving a grocery store with her provisions when she noticed a strange funeral procession approaching the cemetery. across the road.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse behind the first one - a two hearse convoy. Perhaps this was a Lake District custom?

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull terrier on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance further back, were about 200 women walking in single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this before.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?" she asked gently.

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "And, may I ask who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue

Self-catering owners aren't tight - it's a myth

The owner of a self-catering country cottage is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 pounds."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a twenty, two ten pounds notes and starts counting his change….

He thrusts the handful of money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my cottage."

Self-catering goings on in rural Herefordshire

A woman walked into the kitchen of her rented holiday cottage to find her husband stalking flies with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Christmas treat

Tom and Eve managed to obtain a beautiful log cabin for Christmas to escape the relatives, all their noisy children, the need to exchange socks with people they hardly knew and all that religious nonsense – they were ardent atheists. The log cabin was far in the north of Scotland surrounded by beautiful woodland, wilderness and the sound of silence. There was a cosy log fire, a four poster bed and they were looking forward to romantic evenings with some good wine and festive treats.

Just before dusk fell on Christmas Eve they pressed their noses to the window and watched snow falling gently in big flakes. How lucky could they get – a white Xmas as well.

“Let’s go out for a quick walk in the snow”, Eve suggested.

The pristine snow covered landscape shimmered and the firs looked fantastic with their snow laden branches. The walked briskly down the hill towards the trees when a sudden deep growl made the hair on the back of their necks stand on end.

Turning to the left they saw a massive brown bear moving purposefully towards them. Eve screamed and tried to get behind Tom. He grabbed her hand and yelled “Run”. They ran as fast as they could, and the bear followed growling loudly.

The bear was gaining on them fast. “Oh my God” gasped Tom as they slipped and fell to see a shadow loom over them.

Time stood still and all became silent.

Suddenly a bright light shone down upon Tom and Eve as they lay in the snow and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now believers?"

The two atheists looked directly into the light, Tom spoke "It would be hypocritical of us to suddenly ask you to treat us as Christians now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

Take a look at self-catering cottages for Christmas

More pages of self catering cottage related jokes :

self catering cottage in the Peak District for walkers

self catering holidays by the sea Scotland

self catering holiday in Glasgow

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